The episode opens with a one-on-one date with Ben H. Jared’s advice before Ben H.’s date: “Better pack your bags before you leave.”

Ben H. is really supportive of Kaitlyn. He clearly wants her to be happy and for her to find love. Ben H. and Kaitlyn play a brief game of hide and seek at a castle that they are visiting, and when Kaitlyn goes to hide I am genuinely worried that she is going to run away and leave the show. This girl cannot handle this show. Kaitlyn gets so “stressed” each week. And I get it, having five guys falling in love with you and wanting to marry you can be really rough. The last time that happened to me I had to pop a Valium just to relax. 

Ben H. and Kaitlyn open up about what they want in a marriage. Blah, Blah, Blah, they both want to trust the other person, and to be able to be open and honest about everything. At this point, they seem to be a two-man advertising team for eHarmony. Are the eHarmony execs watching this? There is definitely a commercial in there somewhere if you re-edit it. Ben’s won my heart and I’m midway into booking a ticket to Ireland. Should I fly British Airways? On long trips they give you a complimentary glass of wine. Although, I’m now realizing that he was there months ago, and isn’t anymore. I hope that ticket is refundable. Hmmm….

Kaitlyn and Ben sit by the fire and drink Irish coffees and Ben H. gets a whipped cream mustache worthy of a Got Milk? ad. Ben admits to being in love with his girlfriend before Kaitlyn but that he doesn’t know if she ever really loved him back. Begs the question: WHICH GIRL IN AMERICA DOESN’T LOVE BEN? He’s perfect. Kaitlyn admits to falling in love with Ben and she makes him feel more secure in himself. When Kaitlyn brings up the overnight dates coming up, Ben H. tells her that he is not focused on the physical part of their relationship, that he is equally excited to get to know her personally via a long heartfelt talk. 

Kaitlyn, of course, asks the question we’ve all been wondering about (for the past two minutes): Is Ben a virgin? Ben adorably says no. Obviously, Kaitlyn. No one that attractive makes it to the age 26 without having sex. Girls probably throw themselves at him. Just saying. In the previews for the rest of the episode, Nick says that “he doesn’t want his girlfriend to sleep with other guys.” Duh, Nick, the overnight dates are this episode, what do you expect? But if Ben H. gets to overnights then Nick really only has to be jealous of their long and emotional talks. 

It’s time for a super awkward three-on-one date with Shawn, Kentucky Fried Joe and Dick Nick (or Nick Dick, I haven’t settled fully on the nickname. Or maybe Nick the Dick? I’ll keep you posted). Shawn pulls Kaitlyn aside for some one-on-one time, where she feels that she absolutely needs to tell Shawn about the Nick situation. But she doesn’t. Ugh, Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn is a bigger tease than Amy Schumer’s movie Trainwreck. WOULD IT JUST COME OUT ALREADY? I’M DYING OVER HERE! 

Nick pulls Kaitlyn from Shawn and she and Nick talk about the sex situation. AKA the fact that she had sex with him and regrets it. Nick still charms her and I am borderline vomiting watching this. I’m dealing with a very specific type of bulimia in which I only want to throw up from the hours of 8-10 p.m. on Monday nights, particularly when a certain unnamed gentleman is on-screen. (Did I go to far? Bulimia is a serious issue. Objection! Withdrawn.) During Joe’s one-on-one time he admits that he is falling in love with her, which she says is “flattering.” Come on, Kaitlyn. Cut the cord. You’re just hurting this nice Southern boy and giving him a new ex-relationship to talk about with his next girlfriend. This situation is SO NOT Finger Lickin’ Good. 

Kaitlyn breaks up with Joe, to which he responds, “it’s been fun.” So true Joe. So true. But you had to go. Kaitlyn wants to hug him goodbye, which he refuses. 

Shawn and “the other guy,” as Shawn calls him, sit together and can already tell that Joe has been sent home. Kaitlyn doesn’t give out the group date rose, but asks for more time with Shawn later that night. Let’s be real, she is definitely going to break Shawn’s heart tonight. Nick returns to the hotel and Shawn goes to his one-on-one time. 

Shawn takes a long sip from his Guinness while Kaitlyn gains the courage to finally tell Shawn about the “Don’t Be Such a NickHead” situation. She finally tells hims and he looks heartbroken. Bomb dropped. He “doesn’t know what to think.” Shawn takes a minute in the “Gents” bathroom (thank you, ABC, for giving us a nice close-up of the closed bathroom door, by the way) to regroup and hopefully try to reconcile his mixed feelings. 

Back at the house, Nick is complaining about Shawn getting one-on-one time. Shawn returns from a rather long trip to the bathroom (potential colon problems that he needs to work out?), and says that he is not willing to leave over this. Shawn admits to being upset with Kaitlyn but appreciates her honesty. The bigger man, ladies and gentlemen. The bigger man. Shawn returns to the hotel sans rose.

Shawn continues to call Nick “the other guy,” almost like he can’t remember his name. Kaitlyn decides that she just can’t even do a cocktail party and goes directly to the rose ceremony. Drama.

Shawn gets the first rose but pulls her aside for a private conversation. He continues not to trust her, which may be a huge problem if you are about to start the most important relationship of your life. I’ve never been married before that I know of, but it’s my understanding that trust in a marriage is as important as a condom in a random one night stand. As in, VERY IMPORTANT. 

In the end Kaitlyn gives roses to Nick, Shawn and Ben H. Turns out, she did not go to Jared. Jared leaves the show graciously and beautifully, assuring her that it is okay, and that she will find the man of her dreams. He cries in the limo. I now feel a little bad about comparing him to the hyenas in The Lion King a few weeks ago. Oh, Jared. I’ll miss you (genuinely). 

(Spoiler Alert: The answer to this question is NO.) It’s been a rough week for Jareds nationwide.

Nick’s overnight date is the first one, and they wander around Dublin before heading into a church. They jokingly go into the confessional but, honestly, that might be a good place for both of them to go. This date sounds pretty eerily similar to a date that I saw last summer with another girl, *cough* *cough* Andi in the monastery. They go to a bar where they “mingle with the locals,” further damaging Europeans’ opinions of Americans. You’ve just undone all of the good work that Niall Horan has done in brokering a positive relationship between Ireland and the United States. Thanks a lot. 

Back at the house Shawn is going insane thinking about Nick and Kaitlyn together. Same old, same old. 

At his date with Kaitlyn, Nick trash talks Shawn whilst also stating that “he didn’t want to bring it up.” Yeah, right. They both simultaneously notice rain in the distance, a clear sign to Kaitlyn that this conversation is “about to get dark.” Kaitlyn isn’t sure who to believe with the gossip going on in the house. Nick and Kaitlyn obviously choose to head to the fantasy suite. Their overnight date is in a jail, which I believe is a clear metaphor for her long life in prison should she marry him. Nick’s comment, “I’ll do this wherever,” merely reinforce what a horny bastard he is. They wake up together the next morning and eat some bacon (a metaphor for the fact that he is an absolute pig?). 

Shawn calls to the lobby to find out Nick’s room. He goes there to talk to “the other guy” about Kaitlyn. Shawn goes up to bury the hatchet with “the other guy,” but the only ending they reach is a resounding “we will never agree on this.” Shocker. 

The show ends up with a Britt/Brady update, confirming the show’s continued dedication to drag out all romances until there is nothing left. I wasn’t really listening to what they said, but it was something about them having to do long distance. 

My Pick: I’m torn between cry-baby/whiner Shawn, and the ever-charming Ben H. I’d have a better idea of who would win if I knew which one was better in bed. Just based off intuition, I can see Shawn and Nick battling it out in the finals in some duel the likes of which haven’t been seen since the Burr/Hamilton squabble. That is provided that Ben doesn’t woo Kaitlyn with all his deep conversations in the fantasy suite. 

More next week on The Bachelorette.