Emptying my Twitter Drafts

humor, Uncategorized

Emptying out your drafts folder is kind of like dumping your purse out onto the table: If you weed out the old receipts, the random bobby pins, the usb port (with no corresponding cord), and the cough drops that mysteriously wriggled out of their wrappers, you’ll find something unexpectedly great that you had forgotten about entirely. Here’s what I found:

 (You can make your own judgments about which of these are the hidden gems.)

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Seattle, I Love You. Hiking, You Suck.

humor, Uncategorized

*Written while on a red eye to JFK*

It may have been a little naive of me to expect Tom Hanks to be in Seattle, waiting patiently since the early 90’s for me to show up and knock on the door of his houseboat. But the sleepless delirium of a six-hour, 8:00 a.m.-departing flight combined with the disturbingly fresh Pacific Northwest air tricked me into thinking that I might be welcomed to this city by Mr. Sleepless in Seattle himself. Sadly, it appears he’s moved forward with his life, I assume to New York City to live with and send mail to Meg Ryan. I suppose I’ll have to settle for Patrick Dempsey.*

*I should note that by the end of the trip, I had come to the disturbing revelation that neither Patrick Dempsey nor the rest of the cast of Grey’s Anatomy lives in Seattle. Let’s just call it one of the greater letdowns of my entire life and move on.

Coffee and Me: A Love Story

humor

In the same way that serious drug addicts will never forget their first hit, I will never forget my first cup of coffee. It represented, for 16 year-old me, the surest and easiest way to look, seem and act mature. Packaged right in the styrofoam cup in my hand was a quick and easy way to develop yellowed teeth, insomnia and so many other adult problems that I have since acquired. And if I were smart, I would have swatted that cup of black coffee out of my own hands and run for the hills with the fervor and determination of the von Trapp family at the end of The Sound of Music