Don’t ask me what rock I’ve been hiding under, guys, I’m honestly not sure. Forgive me for poorly paraphrasing Ygritte, but I know nothing about Game of Thrones. So this recap series is going to be a little different than any I’ve done before.
Don’t get me wrong, I listened as my friends freaked out over last year’s leaked episodes. I, too, was surprised that Jon Snow and the red-haired actress started dating in real life. But I am not historically a Game of Thrones fan. Not even close. This recap is going to be told through the eyes of someone who knows almost nothing about the Targaryens or the generations-old rivalry for the throne. I’m jumping in here blind, not doing any research, and I am going to pick it up as I go. I hope you enjoy. Here goes nothing:
We open on Will Smith’s monologue from the modern cinematic classic, Hitch. No, I’m only joking we open on Jon Snow (are you impressed I knew his name?) who looks pretty dead laying in the bloody snow. A much older guy emerges to notice that Jon Snow is dead (or is he? No wait, he definitely is) and approaches the body. He and the other guys with him look pretty concerned so naturally they decide to drag his body indoors for further investigation. Based off of their clothing and the snow on the ground I am going to place them somewhere in the north.
The men all discuss who killed Jon Snow and when thinking about a way to avenge his death, they collectively seem really relieved that his wolf is on their side of this fight. Not to undersell the power of dogs, but how is this wolf going to help them? I don’t know much about this dog, but I’m a little confused as to how he’s gonna help solve the murder. But, AirBud did single handedly win a football, basketball and soccer championship, so maybe I’m underestimating canines. How many GOT fans did I just offend by comparing this wolf to AirBud? Just wondering. Later, a woman joins the men (is she the red woman? I think not but I’m not sure) and strokes Jon Snow’s head, super sad about his death. TBH, aren’t we all?
Somewhere else (I’m sorry guys but I know nothing about the locations on this show), a guy admits to killing Jon Snow, much to the anger of the people he’s speaking to. Apparently by killing Jon Snow, they all committed Benedict-Arnold-level treason. If I’m getting this correctly (which I might not be) it’s because they are all members of this organization called “The Night’s Watch” and Lord Commander Snow did some things that put The Night’s Watch in jeopardy. As a side note, the guy who killed Jon seems a little sketch and I really don’t trust him, but that’s just one woman’s opinion.
Back with Jon Snow’s body, the men are talking about killing Thorne (sp?) who I think is probably the guy who just admitted to murdering Jon. I really wish they all would just wear name tags, but I suppose I’ll have to get over that. One of the guys leaves for some reason, although I’m not sure why and it must not be that important because it never comes up again in conversation.
Because it’s Game of Thrones and everyone has to die, we next go to the body of a girl named Myranda (literally every character on this show has a “y” in his/her name for no reason) who is lying dead while a guy mourns over her dead body. The other guys around this body are really excited that a different guy named Stannis Baratheon (autocorrects to “Static Marathon” by the way) is dead, and it is revealed to me at least that the guy mourning is married to Sansa Stark. Finally, a character’s name I recognize.
In the snowy woods (of the North?) Sansa and Greyjoy (wow, two names in a row that I recognize, am I secretly a GOT expert?) are running from some hounds and reach a super icy and cold river. They begin to cross it (because they can’t go under it, can’t go over it, they’ll have to go through it) and make it to the other side. They finally answer the time-old question, “Why did Sansa and Greyjoy cross the river?” Come on everyone, in unison: “To get to the other side.”
Unfortunately, it seems like they might die from hypothermia pretty soon and they barely have any time to hug before the hounds come around the corner to kill them. Greyjoy gives her advice to go north to meet some commander dude whose name I didn’t quite hear, and then he goes and risks his life to confront the hounds. The hounds really aren’t buying that he is all by himself though, and they quickly go around the corner and find Sansa chilling behind a tree, still freezing to death. Someone get this girl a cardigan, please. As they are about to capture Sansa and Greyjoy, Brienne comes through and attacks the guards and the dogs. Female empowerment, amiright?
Sansa chills behind the tree while Greyjoy and Brienne kick some guard’s ass and, seemingly out of nowhere, another guy shows up (although, at this point I’m too scared to ask my friends who I’m watching this with what his name is). Brienne and Sansa make vows to each other and promise to protect each other in sickness and health, for better or for worse and until death does them part (or something like that).
Somewhere else, in the south probably, Cersei is chilling in her chambers when a ship arrives. From what I’ve gathered (from my friends and my own spot-on intuition) Cersei is awaiting the return of her brother Jamie and her daughter (with Jamie, because, like, you know what is this show missing? Incest). However, as has become apparent, their daughter, Myrcella I think, is dead. The two commiserate together, but Cersei believes that Myrcella’s death was prophesied because some witch the likes of which Macbeth didn’t even have to deal with predicted all of Cersei’s kids would die. Jamie has some good advice though: “Fuck prophecy.”
In some prison “the queen,” who if I’m remembering correctly was the bratty King Joffrey’s widow, is imprisoned and really wants to see her brother. Except I might be wrong about her being Joffrey’s widow, because when an old guy (AKA the actor who plays the evil grandfather from Amanda Bynes’ What A Girl Wants) comes to give her some advice, he tells her that her husband is looking for her. But I thought Joffrey had died… so I am very confused by this.
In a tropical locale that reminds me a little bit of the Love part of Eat Pray Love, some woman stabs her “prince” and stands over him calling him weak. She identifies the locale as “Dorn” and not Bali from Eat Pray Love. Bummer, I guess Julia Roberts will not be in this episode. Somewhere else in the castle two women go to kill that princes’ son by stabbing him through the face. It’s at this point I remember exactly why I never started watching this show. Who is this prince? Who is his son? Who are these women? Alas, I have no idea. All I do know is that Julia Roberts is nowhere to be found.
Elsewhere Tyrion (who you’ll all remember as the children’s book author from the movie Elf), is walking around pretending to be a peasant:
From what I gathered from the “previously on,” he’s on Daeynerys’s side now, who escaped from captivity on a dragon only to be met by some Dothraki people (clarified for me by my roommate as different Dothrakis from the ones she used to rule). Amidst plotting how to get control of the slaves (I think?), Tyrion and his large friend (who my roommates felt the need to tell me has no penis) hear a loud bell and see a huge fire spread through the area where the slaves are. In all honesty I have NO idea what’s going on, why they’re dressed like peasants or what they’re plotting.
In some other place, Jorah and the guy from Orphan Black (as I will be calling him from now on) are riding through the countryside looking for Dany. In the grass they find Dany’s ring and realize that she has been captured by the Dothrakis. As Jorah exclaims, “they have her,” we cut to see Dany being walked through the desert by the Dothraki people. These peeps really don’t care (or maybe don’t know) that she used to rule a Dothraki tribe and as she walks she is getting verbally abused by these Dothraki douches. When she reveals that she was Khal Drogo’s wife and that she can speak their language they free her (except not really). Instead they send her to some castle for ex-wives of dead Khals, which just to a layman sounds like the best idea for a reality television show ever. Forget Real Housewives of Orange County, Real Housewives of Dead Khals would hands down win its time slot in every demographic.
Poor and begging on the street somewhere else in this crazy world, Arya Stark (who is now blind???) encounters a girl who wants to fight her. I really am not sure why she wants to fight her, but it’s Game of Thrones, and pretty much everyone on this show has medium to severe anger issues, so I won’t ask too many questions. After beating her up a little bit, she leaves Arya alone but promises to return the next day.
Back in the north, the guys and the better-than-AirBud dire wolf (corrected for me by roommates as not the “diowolf” but the “dire wolf”) are protecting Jon Snow’s body, when all of a sudden Jon Snow’s murderer knocks on their door. He gives them an ultimatum, telling them they have to surrender by nightfall or they’re all going to die. Elsewhere where they are staying, the red woman (I think?) strips naked and stares into a mirror only to suddenly look like a really old woman. I guess she’s magic, although I’m really not sure. She creepily just gets back in bed and it isn’t addressed at all. The credits roll.
Question mark count for these recaps so far: 20. I used 20 question marks in this recap.
Questions I have after having watched this episode: You know what, tbh, there are too many for me to list.
Stay tuned for next week.