So I’m accepting applications for new friends beginning in January 2016. It’s a new year, new friends, right? From what I hear new friends are silver. Or are they gold? I can never remember. What follows is a list of the qualifications and characteristics I am looking for in a friend.
I know you’re young and, let’s face it, a little naïve, but let me give you some advice. Facebook is not a place for your every thought, Amy. Are you listening? You need to be careful what you make your statuses. It may seem cool right now for you to post, “It’s Christmas in 5 hours,” but, believe me, it’s not. In seven years someone will inevitably like that status completely out of the blue and it will emerge from its hiding place in the 2009 tab of your timeline onto every Facebook friend’s newsfeed. You don’t know what a Facebook timeline is? Oh, 9th grade Amy, you have so much left to learn.
Guys, this weekend has been rough. As excited as I was to see my family, and I have one of those strange families that gets along well, I have had a deep-seeded and very real fear of running into my high school classmates. I’m still friends with approximately 15 kids from high school, and the rest are just acquaintances who took Calculus with me, or who sat at the same lunch table with me once. They might be nice people, but reliving high school feels as nightmarish to me as reliving my wisdom teeth surgery. At least for the latter you are medicated.
Dear Amy,
I have a few things I want to get off my chest.
1. You drink too much Starbucks. Like, way too much. One or two cups a day? That is too much. And you drink way too many Cappuccinos and Lattes. If you are going to drink coffee, drink COFFEE. If I see you with one more Pumpkin Spice Latte, I will lose my shit.
So it’s been a while. Like a long time. So long a time that any of you that look at this blog regularly (if there are any of you that do that) may have been concerned that I was in a terrible accident that caused me to lose both my hands and that I am no longer able to type. Or maybe you thought I spilt a whole cup of coffee onto my computer and that it has been at the Apple store for the past month. But rest easy, I still have both hands and the tragic Coffee/Computer Debacle of 2014 (as I have named it) was a one time incident.
The live television event of the summer starts now:
The show opens with Chris Harrison asking a studio audience if they are excited. What do you think, Chris? What do you think?
This post is going to be a little shorter, I hope, because I have much less interest in what the boys have to say this season. Or any season. I really don’t love watching a bunch of boys in a room shit-talking some girl. I am excited to see Chris Harrison host a show again. This is the most airtime Chris Harrison will get all season. You get to see C.H. do 80% of his work each season all in a 2 hour episode.
Nick and Shawn have a heart to heart up in Nick’s room at the beginning of the episode. They paint each other’s nails, talk about their feelings, and braid each other’s hair. Actually, they both just call each other dicks and realize nothing new. Same old, same old.
Brace yourself for a dramatic emotional roller coaster ride on The Bachelorette (directly lifted from the intro to the show):
Shawn arrives in Kaitlyn’s room and Kaitlyn is concerned that Shawn knows that she “was intimate with Nick.” Kaitlyn is definitely right to be concerned, because Nick is definitely the last one who I would want keeping my secrets. He doesn’t have the best track record.
The most glaring part of Kaitlyn and Ian’s conversation at the beginning of this episode is the bald spot that is shining and shimmering on top of Ian’s head. The first of Ian’s genius moves at the rose ceremony is to question Kaitlyn’s intentions. He doesn’t stop there though, because next he calls her a superficial person. Rounding out his trilogy of brilliant boyfriend moves, Ian calls the girl “surface-level.” After getting this off his chest Ian storms off and leaves the show. But, honestly, I think he’s got bigger problems than this show. He is dealing with a serious case of male pattern baldness right now. He has a lot on his plate.
Okay, Here's The Situation 