The first three minutes of the show are interrupted with a special news report about the Iowa Caucus. I’m sorry, but how is this more important than The Bachelor? Unless they are going to be caucusing on Lauren B. versus JoJo, I really don’t have time for this right now. ABC, know your audience. After the scariest three minutes of my life when the fate of this blog hung in the balance, ABC cuts back to the show. Thank god.
Oh my God, we’re back again. Brothers, sisters, everybody sing. Gonna bring the flavor, show you how. Gotta question for you better answer now, yeah.
Here goes nothing:
The show opens on Chris Harrison arriving at the house to talk the girls through the past two weeks. You can always count on Chris Harrison to come out of hiding just in time to give horrible advice. He arrives with the date card and the first individual date goes to Lauren B., the flight attendant. In a clever (or not so clever) clue on her date card, it says “the sky is the limit.” Wow these producers are so smart.
It’s all coming up tonight on The Bachelor:
Did you know that Ben is “the greatest bachelor on the planet” and “to the T the perfect man?” After 30 seconds of this week’s episode, I learned both of those things.
Everyone’s favorite documentary/piece of science fiction/comedy/drama, The Bachelor, is back. (The genre is up to the discretion of the viewer)
Last night, while I was attempting to conquer the Kamchatka territory in the board game Risk, I asked my friends what resolutions they had for 2016. (Yes, I was playing Risk on New Year’s Eve, what of it?) I had been wracking my brain for a little while hoping to come up with some resolutions for the upcoming year, but the only one I had come up with so far was “Conquer North America.” And that was a very Risk-specific goal and probably wouldn’t be very realistic outside of the Risk-world.
This holiday season, in the presence of several of my fully-grown, 401k-possessing, gainfully-employed cousins, I opened up an app on my phone in order to explain to them why the dating culture in college is so weird these days. And, as all of you literate folk who read the title of this blog post before clicking on it have probably guessed, yes it was Tinder. I’m sure there is a cooler, newer dating app I could’ve found, something like Hinge, or Bumble, or GrubHub, but I’m not with-it enough to have tried out any of the new and cool ones. Also, I’m beginning to think I might be using GrubHub wrong.
You don’t know what you’ve got ‘till it’s gone, right Joni?
Guys, I have something to admit. I’m a One Direction fan. I sort of feel like I am admitting to you sensitive information more embarrassing than the time I accidentally stripped down naked in the girl’s locker room in high school. (That’s one story I’ll never tell. *In the Gossip Girl voice*)
The alternate title to this blog post was, “In four months I’m being evicted and fired from my job of 16 years.”
I knew this day would come, guys. I ignored it. I pretended that I didn’t see it on the horizon. I denied it. But now this day is here. I’ve finished my fall semester and I am now a second semester senior.*
Okay, Here's The Situation 