What You Missed on This Week’s Episode of The Bachelorette: WAY TOO EARLY FOR I LOVE YOUS

humor, television, the bachelor, Uncategorized

Due to some technical issues, I missed the first fifteen minutes of the show and am the going to have to draw from Twitter to summarize what happened at the beginning of the episode. Here’s what I got for you: Chad showed up at the house and Jordan Rodgers gave him the opportunity to apologize. Chad says no, confirming what Justin Timberlake always knew, which is that it really is too late to apologize. Chad instead throws his protein powder in the air a la LeBron James (more on the Cavaliers later).

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Seattle, I Love You. Hiking, You Suck.

humor, Uncategorized

*Written while on a red eye to JFK*

It may have been a little naive of me to expect Tom Hanks to be in Seattle, waiting patiently since the early 90’s for me to show up and knock on the door of his houseboat. But the sleepless delirium of a six-hour, 8:00 a.m.-departing flight combined with the disturbingly fresh Pacific Northwest air tricked me into thinking that I might be welcomed to this city by Mr. Sleepless in Seattle himself. Sadly, it appears he’s moved forward with his life, I assume to New York City to live with and send mail to Meg Ryan. I suppose I’ll have to settle for Patrick Dempsey.*

*I should note that by the end of the trip, I had come to the disturbing revelation that neither Patrick Dempsey nor the rest of the cast of Grey’s Anatomy lives in Seattle. Let’s just call it one of the greater letdowns of my entire life and move on.

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What You Missed On This Week’s Episode of The Bachelorette: Why Do I Watch This Show Again?

humor, television, the bachelor, Uncategorized

Can you believe that we are here again? Somehow ABC tricked us all into spending another night watching this show. Here we go, here we go again.

Post-conversation with Chris Harrison, Chad comes into the house to have a short convo with the boys. Like a kindergartener, he has a little bit of trouble expressing his feelings. As in he doesn’t know how to express his feelings at all. Somehow, they come to a reconciliation together, a reconciliation which seems about as sturdy as that tightrope Joseph Gordon-Levitt walked across in that movie The Walk. But don’t worry, the ABC producers are on the case. They’re going to throw a pool party. That’ll fix this.

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Here’s What You Missed On This Week’s Episode of The Bachelorette: “That Escalated Quickly.”

humor, television, the bachelor, Uncategorized

Who’s ready for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1? I know I am. If you missed my recap last week, you can find it here. This week ABC is trying something new, a two part episode of The Bachelorette. For those of you who hate this show, that adds up to a four hour search for true love this week alone, so I suggest you strap in. (TBH if you hate this show, I have NO idea why you are reading this recap.)

Let’s git ‘er done.

This episode Chad is going to go berzerk. Evan says that if Chad gets a date this week and he doesn’t he will be… very… upset. Cue ABC giving Chad a one-on-one date. Jk, the first one-on-one date goes to Chase. Aka the star of my Bachelorette fantasy team and of all of my dreams. Outside the mansion, Chris Harrison cleans up the toilet paper from when JoJo and some guy TP’d the mansion last episode. Oh vandalism. Classic first date move.

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What You Missed On This Week’s Episode of The Bachelorette: Chad is Bad, What a Cliché

humor, television, the bachelor, Uncategorized

And now we’re back. From outer space. We just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face. If you (for some ungodly reason) missed the last episode, you can catch up with my recap from last week here.

The gist of the two minute introduction to this week’s episode is that Chad is last year’s JJ, without a buddy Clint, and without the opportunity for redemption on Bachelor in Paradise. For those of you who don’t know what that means, let’s just say that he seems like trouble right here in river city, with a capital “T” that rhymes with “C” which stands for Chad. On a completely separate note, I cannot watch another montage of JoJo standing on a balcony thinking things. As I watch I make up my own dialogue for what she is thinking.

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What You Missed On This Week’s Episode of The Bachelorette: I Get It, His Brother’s in the NFL

humor, television, the bachelor, Uncategorized

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. My excitement level is off the walls right now, guys. This is as exciting as Christmas morning, my birthday and National Mac & Cheese Day all combined and then squared. I will say this, I definitely haven’t gathered enough GIFs of the singer JoJo for this upcoming season. I’m a little unprepared, TBH. I’ve written JoJo (the singer) to request that she come out with some new music just so that I can use it for the blog, but her representatives have yet to reply. (Is JoJo even high profile enough to have representatives? Will ponder that.)

As I write this I am pounding red wine trying to keep up with The Bachelorette drinking game (where there are no winners; everyone is the loser), and struggling to keep up. You basically have to drink every time someone monologues while looking into the distance. So after just the introduction, where JoJo looks longingly at a fountain, at a stream, at the oceanside, I’m getting tipsy and have to quit this game. But let the episode begin:

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Here’s This Week’s Recap of Game of Thrones: Happy Mother’s (of Dragons) Day!

Game of Unknowns, humor, television, Uncategorized

Another week, another very confused recap.

So, as we all remember, Jon Snow is alive. You know? Because why not bring him back to life? The guy who’s been like way too attached to Jon Snow’s corpse these three episodes, stands over Jon Snow as he finally wakes up. He asks Jon what he remembers, and Jon Snow remembers that he was stabbed and died. The Red Woman, whose magic haircut actually worked and brought Jon Snow back to life, asks Jon what he saw on the other side but he can’t remember anything. She also says something about Jon being a prince, but I thought he was a lord so that’s a little confusing also.

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Coffee and Me: A Love Story

humor

In the same way that serious drug addicts will never forget their first hit, I will never forget my first cup of coffee. It represented, for 16 year-old me, the surest and easiest way to look, seem and act mature. Packaged right in the styrofoam cup in my hand was a quick and easy way to develop yellowed teeth, insomnia and so many other adult problems that I have since acquired. And if I were smart, I would have swatted that cup of black coffee out of my own hands and run for the hills with the fervor and determination of the von Trapp family at the end of The Sound of Music.

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Here’s What Happened on Game Of Thrones, As Told By Someone Who Knows Nothing About Game of Thrones: Yep, I Literally “Know Nothing”

Game of Unknowns, humor, television, Uncategorized

Don’t ask me what rock I’ve been hiding under, guys, I’m honestly not sure. Forgive me for poorly paraphrasing Ygritte, but I know nothing about Game of Thrones. So this recap series is going to be a little different than any I’ve done before.

Don’t get me wrong, I listened as my friends freaked out over last year’s leaked episodes. I, too, was surprised that Jon Snow and the red-haired actress started dating in real life. But I am not historically a Game of Thrones fan. Not even close. This recap is going to be told through the eyes of someone who knows almost nothing about the Targaryens or the generations-old rivalry for the throne. I’m jumping in here blind, not doing any research, and I am going to pick it up as I go. I hope you enjoy. Here goes nothing:

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Say Goodbye to the Best Excuse You’ve Ever Had: I’m in College

advice, humor, Uncategorized

If Marathon Monday shenanigans have taught us anything over the past four years, it’s that we can get away with a lot of things under the blanket excuse, “I’m in college.” And as we prepare to say goodbye to our friends, TITS Thursdays and the lovely men behind the counter at T Anthony’s, I think we also need to be prepared for when we have to say goodbye to the greatest excuse we’ve ever had for anything: “I’m in college.” In no other place but college could we get away with the kinds of things we get away with now. Think about it:

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