television

Here’s What You Missed On This Week’s Episode of The Bachelorette: “That Escalated Quickly.”

humor, television, the bachelor, Uncategorized

Who’s ready for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1? I know I am. If you missed my recap last week, you can find it here. This week ABC is trying something new, a two part episode of The Bachelorette. For those of you who hate this show, that adds up to a four hour search for true love this week alone, so I suggest you strap in. (TBH if you hate this show, I have NO idea why you are reading this recap.) 

Let’s git ‘er done. 

This episode Chad is going to go berzerk. Evan says that if Chad gets a date this week and he doesn’t he will be… very… upset. Cue ABC giving Chad a one-on-one date. Jk, the first one-on-one date goes to Chase. Aka the star of my Bachelorette fantasy team and of all of my dreams. Outside the mansion, Chris Harrison cleans up the toilet paper from when JoJo and some guy TP’d the mansion last episode. Oh vandalism. Classic first date move.  

Continue reading →

What You Missed On This Week’s Episode of The Bachelorette: Chad is Bad, What a Cliché

humor, television, the bachelor, Uncategorized

And now we’re back. From outer space. We just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face. If you (for some ungodly reason) missed the last episode, you can catch up with my recap from last week here. 

The gist of the two minute introduction to this week’s episode is that Chad is last year’s JJ, without a buddy Clint, and without the opportunity for redemption on Bachelor in Paradise. For those of you who don’t know what that means, let’s just say that he seems like trouble right here in river city, with a capital “T” that rhymes with “C” which stands for Chad. On a completely separate note, I cannot watch another montage of JoJo standing on a balcony thinking things. As I watch I make up my own dialogue for what she is thinking.

Continue reading →

What You Missed On This Week’s Episode of The Bachelorette: I Get It, His Brother’s in the NFL

humor, television, the bachelor, Uncategorized

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. My excitement level is off the walls right now, guys. This is as exciting as Christmas morning, my birthday and National Mac & Cheese Day all combined and then squared. I will say this, I definitely haven’t gathered enough GIFs of the singer JoJo for this upcoming season. I’m a little unprepared, TBH. I’ve written JoJo (the singer) to request that she come out with some new music just so that I can use it for the blog, but her representatives have yet to reply. (Is JoJo even high profile enough to have representatives? Will ponder that.) 

As I write this I am pounding red wine trying to keep up with The Bachelorette drinking game (where there are no winners; everyone is the loser), and struggling to keep up. You basically have to drink every time someone monologues while looking into the distance. So after just the introduction, where JoJo looks longingly at a fountain, at a stream, at the oceanside, I’m getting tipsy and have to quit this game. But let the episode begin: 

Continue reading →

Here’s This Week’s Recap of Game of Thrones: Happy Mother’s (of Dragons) Day!

Game of Unknowns, humor, television, Uncategorized

Another week, another very confused recap. 

So, as we all remember, Jon Snow is alive. You know? Because why not bring him back to life? The guy who’s been like way too attached to Jon Snow’s corpse these three episodes, stands over Jon Snow as he finally wakes up. He asks Jon what he remembers, and Jon Snow remembers that he was stabbed and died. The Red Woman, whose magic haircut actually worked and brought Jon Snow back to life, asks Jon what he saw on the other side but he can’t remember anything. She also says something about Jon being a prince, but I thought he was a lord so that’s a little confusing also.

Continue reading →

Here’s This Week’s Recap of Game of Thrones: Game of Unknowns

Game of Unknowns, television, Uncategorized

Take two of this terribly uneducated and ill-informed recap of Game of Thrones, here we go: 

An old guy lurks in the middle of the woods and a boy is on the ground dead. In what looks to be a flashback the two of them are watching these two little boys sword fight when suddenly a girl rides in on a huge white horse. The first boy, who I’m pretty sure isn’t dead but is dreaming, is watching creepily over these children playing, and reveals that the boys and girl playing are his father, uncle and aunt, respectively. I guess he’s dreaming? I’m really not sure. Maybe it’s magic? I have no idea. When the old guy says it’s time to go, he immediately brings the boy back to what might be the chamber of secrets. At least it looks like that to me. 

Continue reading →

Here’s What Happened on Game Of Thrones, As Told By Someone Who Knows Nothing About Game of Thrones: Yep, I Literally “Know Nothing”

Game of Unknowns, humor, television, Uncategorized

Don’t ask me what rock I’ve been hiding under, guys, I’m honestly not sure. Forgive me for poorly paraphrasing Ygritte, but I know nothing about Game of Thrones. So this recap series is going to be a little different than any I’ve done before.

Don’t get me wrong, I listened as my friends freaked out over last year’s leaked episodes. I, too, was surprised that Jon Snow and the red-haired actress started dating in real life. But I am not historically a Game of Thrones fan. Not even close. This recap is going to be told through the eyes of someone who knows almost nothing about the Targaryens or the generations-old rivalry for the throne. I’m jumping in here blind, not doing any research, and I am going to pick it up as I go. I hope you enjoy. Here goes nothing: 

Continue reading →

DCOMs and What They Really Taught Us

humor, movie, television, Uncategorized

For me, Disney Channel Original Movies rank right below Mr. Feeny and right above The Reverend and Mrs. Camden on the list of most important influences on my childhood. And whether it was High School Musical Pop Up Edition or Halloweentown, I learned a lot from these films. Surprisingly, or not so surprisingly, the lessons you learn when you watch these movies as an adult change a little bit. As part of a little experiment I did (and as a way to put off all real homework), I rewatched a bunch of DCOMs to figure out what the real take-aways are. So here’s what I’ve learned: 

Continue reading →

What You Missed on The Finale of The Bachelor: “The Most Dramatic Finale Yet”

humor, television, the bachelor, Uncategorized

It’s time for Ben to make the biggest decision of his life. And I’m not being hyperbolic, that’s actually how Chris Harrison’s voiceover describes it at the start of the show. Just based off of the amount of crying happening in the preview for tonight’s episode, this one looks like a doozy. 

Chris Harrison, back on set to complete his two hours of required work each season, also teases at the beginning of the show that Ben might get married in the live after show at 10 p.m., because, like… why not? 

Continue reading →

What You Missed On This Week’s Episode Of The Bachelor: Is He Allowed To Do That?

humor, television, the bachelor, Uncategorized

And then there were three.

This week’s episode takes our three remaining girls and Ben to Jamaica. “The water is blue, the air is fresh,” and Ben is starting to sound like an idiot. As Ben intros the girls he lists his reservations about them. With Caila, he has a real problem with how happy she is. Basically she smiles way too much for him. I guess that phrase happy wife happy life really doesn’t apply to him. Ben:

Continue reading →